Your partner holds up a photo and says, “Remember this place?” You answer an email without looking up. A few minutes later, you want to tell them something funny, but they have gone quiet. Neither of you meant to reject the other; a small invitation went unnoticed.
Bids for connection are attempts to get a partner's attention, affection, or engagement. Turning toward means noticing the invitation and responding with interest or care, even briefly. You do not have to be constantly available: acknowledging the bid and offering a realistic time to connect can respect both your partner and your limits.
What a bid for connection can sound like
In Gottman's framework, a bid can be a direct question, a gesture, or a passing comment that invites shared attention. The Gottman Institute describes both verbal and nonverbal bids, including smiles and requests for advice. 1
Everyday examples include:
- “Look how the light is coming through that window.”
- Sending a song with “This made me think of you.”
- Holding out a hand while you sit together.
- “I finally finished the application.”
- “Would you sit with me while I eat?”
- Making a small joke while folding laundry.
The literal topic may be unremarkable. The invitation is to share a moment with the person who noticed it.
Still, you do not need to discover a hidden meaning in every sentence. Sometimes a question about the dishwasher is a question about the dishwasher. If you are unsure, ask: “Do you want help figuring it out, or were you hoping for some company?”
Making your own invitations clearer also helps. “Want to hear something that happened today?” is easier to recognize than a long sigh from another room. Clarity is not less romantic than being understood without explanation; it gives your partner something they can respond to.
Turning toward, away, and against: the same invitation
The Gottman Institute distinguishes three responses: turning toward is positive engagement, turning away is missing or not responding to the bid, and turning against is a negative response. These terms describe the response, not the whole person. 4
Imagine your partner says, “Come see what sprouted in the window box.”
Turning toward: acknowledge the shared moment
You step over and say, “That happened quickly. Which seeds were those?” Or you answer, “My hands are covered in dough. Can you bring it closer so I can see?”
You do not need to love gardening. You are showing interest in your partner's pleasure. A short, genuine response is enough; this does not have to become a lengthy discussion.
Turning away: the invitation gets no response
You keep scrolling, walk out, or change the subject without acknowledgment. That may happen because you did not hear, were concentrating, or did not recognize an invitation. The effect can still disappoint your partner, but a missed response alone does not establish indifference.
If you notice afterward, return: “You were showing me something, and I didn't answer. Can I see it now?”
Turning against: the response adds a sting
“It's a plant. Why are you interrupting me?” answers the invitation with irritation or ridicule. Needing uninterrupted time is legitimate; putting someone down for wanting to share is a separate choice.
A more respectful limit is: “I'm in the middle of something I can't stop. I'd like to look when I finish this page.” Then follow through.
What the 86% versus 33% finding does—and does not—mean
The Gottman Institute reports that, in Gottman's newlywed research with a six-year follow-up, couples who stayed married turned toward one another 86% of the time, compared with 33% among couples who divorced. These are reported group findings about observed responsiveness, not a promise about what any individual couple's future will be. 1
The comparison does not show that responding to a particular percentage of invitations causes a marriage to last. It also does not mean you should tally every glance and comment at home until you reach a target.
The useful question is more practical: when one of us tries to share something, is there usually a response? If not, what gets in the way, and what would make responding easier?
Zadie and Lucian stop missing each other at dinner
In this fictional example, Zadie restores antique clocks, and Lucian designs theater costumes. Lucian often brings home fabric samples and holds one up while Zadie is reading a repair manual at the kitchen table.
One evening he says, “Look at this lining.” She says “Mm-hm” without looking up. He puts it away and says, “Forget it. You're never interested.” Zadie replies, “I'm allowed to read.” Now a wish to share a small pleasure has turned into a dispute about attention.
Later, Lucian names the invitation: “I wasn't asking you to evaluate the fabric. I was excited and wanted to show you.”
Zadie says, “I didn't catch that you wanted a moment together. I also lose my place easily in these instructions. Could you ask if I can look first?”
The next night, he asks, “Do you have a minute for something beautiful?” She answers, “Yes—let me mark this step.” She closes the manual, looks at the lining, and asks where it will appear in the costume.
She does not pretend to share his expertise. He does not test whether she will notice an unspoken invitation. They make the exchange easier for both of them.
Responding with care when your attention is limited
Turning toward is not the same as agreeing, solving, or saying yes to every request. You can recognize an invitation without accepting the proposed activity.
Try language that separates warmth from availability:
- “I like that you thought of me. I can't watch the clip at work; show me after dinner?”
- “I'd love a hug, but not while I'm chopping. Give me a moment.”
- “I hear that something happened. Do you need a few minutes now, or can we talk after my call?”
- “I don't want to go out tonight. I'd enjoy sitting together at home.”
Avoid promising “later” when you know you will not return. If your capacity is genuinely uncertain, be honest: “I'm too tired to follow a story tonight. Could we try over breakfast?”
Do not use eye contact or immediate speech as universal measures of care. Ask how your partner prefers to receive attention, and say what helps you notice an invitation. Looking away, needing processing time, or not hearing from another room can be a practical communication issue rather than rejection.
For longer conversations about feeling understood, see emotional intimacy in marriage. A small response matters, but it cannot substitute for addressing a substantial unresolved concern.
A week of noticing without keeping score
Invite your partner to try this as an experiment, not a secret assessment. Choose ordinary moments rather than deliberately testing each other.
- Day one: Each share two ways you tend to invite connection. Include something your partner might not recognize.
- Days two and three: Once a day, make one invitation explicit: “Can I share something with you?” Respond with attention or a specific alternative time.
- Days four and five: Notice one naturally occurring bid and engage briefly. Ask one follow-up question, share a laugh, or accept an offered hand if you want to.
- Day six: Repair a missed moment: “I realized I didn't respond when you mentioned your news. I'd like to hear it.” Accept that your partner may prefer another time.
- Day seven: Discuss which responses felt genuine. Keep one small adjustment, such as pausing audio when someone starts speaking or asking before showing a video.
If you want a dedicated conversation alongside these informal moments, use relationship check-in questions. If your days leave almost no room together, a broader reconnection plan may be more useful than expecting tiny exchanges to do everything.
Four questions about your everyday invitations
- How do I usually ask my partner to share my attention or enjoyment?
- Which of their invitations do I most often overlook?
- What response feels caring to each of us when the answer must be “not now”?
- Can we repair a missed moment without treating it as proof of how much we matter?
An invitation must leave room for a free response
A bid is not a claim on another person's body, private information, or uninterrupted availability. An offer of affection does not make touch or sex owed. Demanding immediate replies, checking messages, or punishing a partner for declining is control, not a request to turn toward.
If refusals bring threats, sexual pressure, or fear, do not use this practice to become more compliant. Seek private, individual support; in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. Use a device your partner cannot access if monitoring is a concern. This is educational guidance, not therapy, and greater responsiveness cannot make coercion safe.
Two everyday questions about turning toward
Is sending a funny video a bid for connection?
It can be: your partner may be saying, “I wanted to share this laugh with you.” You can respond when you have capacity rather than immediately, unless you have agreed otherwise. Ask about their intention instead of assuming every link requires a full conversation.
What if I keep making bids and my partner rarely responds?
Describe a few specific missed moments and ask what is interfering. A clear request—“Could we have ten minutes without our phones after dinner?”—gives you something concrete to discuss. If your partner consistently dismisses both the invitations and your concern, recognize the lack of engagement rather than endlessly inventing more appealing bids.